


fallen flowers

by levoyagedanslalune



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Best Friends, Fallin' Flower, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hanahaki Disease, Inspired by Music, Language of Flowers, Lee Jihoon | Woozi-centric, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mentioned Hong Jisoo | Joshua, Past Character Death, Platonic Relationships, References to Depression, Unrequited Love, painter lee jihoon | woozi, the 2ji fallin' flower fic no one asked for
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:53:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27747802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/levoyagedanslalune/pseuds/levoyagedanslalune
Summary: nobody reaches their hand towards the fluttering falling petalsjihoon loves joshua.joshua's like his other half, and he means everything to him.it's not until the flowers fall, that he realizes that it might not have been enough.(inspired by fallin' flower - seventeen, and joshua & woozi's scenes in the mv)
Relationships: Hong Jisoo | Joshua & Lee Jihoon | Woozi, Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Lee Jihoon | Woozi
Comments: 4
Kudos: 19





	fallen flowers

**Author's Note:**

> fallin' flower is about wanting to become someone's everything, and finally finding that person.  
> this is about losing that someone.
> 
> content warning: read the tags + briefly described panic attack (not detailed)

"Jihoon!"

"Hey"

"It’s been a while since I last saw you! I was starting to miss you."

Jihoon chuckled. "Oh, you know, I've been a bit busy this past week."

"Busy? What could ever be more important than talking to your best friend?"

"I just had a lot of work to do! You know how it gets."

_No answer._

"Shua?"

_Nothing._

"Shua? You still here?"

Jihoon becomes more conscious of the silence filling the room with each passing second.

" _Liar._ "

Jihoon shivers, and his eyes widen when he realizes he had dropped his phone.

He picks it up, makes sure the fall hadn't damaged it, and goes on to close the contacts page which he had been staring at for the past few minutes. Only then does he notice his trembling hands and realizes too late that his finger had slipped and pressed the call button.

He could have easily hung up with one touch on the screen, right here, right there, but he felt frozen. Powerless. All he can do is watch as the screen changes to the calling page and a ringing sound resonates in the room.

Although he already knows what to expect, the dread he feels for the next few moments is suffocating.

He didn't know he was holding his breath until he gasped at the sound of the other's voice.

– _Hey, this is Joshua! I probably left my phone on silent_ –

– **Like always** , a second voice cuts the first's off in the background.

– _Please leave a message and I'll get back to you when I can!_

There is a second of silence, followed by a muffled voice laced with hints of laughter; _Jihoon, for the last ti_ –

It was cut off by the voicemail's ‘beep’ sound, which makes Jihoon snap back to reality.

It's as if he could suddenly control his own senses again, and just before the sound ends, he manages to hang up.

He had always wondered why Joshua had insisted on keeping this voicemail.

They had been kidding around… Jihoon had followed him around the apartment, hijacking his voicemail recording session with stupid interjections, until Joshua had given up and left it as it was.

_Who knew this damned voicemail would be one of the last things I have of you?_

He feels something wet fall on his hand.

_Why do I always do this to myself?_

After the ringing sound and after the voicemail, always come the tears.

──────

_Hey Shua, did you know I forgot how to paint?_

_It wasn’t an immediate thing_ _though_ _._

 _Actually, the first week, all I did was paint. I stayed in my studio_ _hours after hours_ _until I passed out._

_The second week, I forgot how to._

_I keep dropping my paintbrushes now. I can’t mix colors anymore. I couldn't even draw a simple flower if I wanted to._

_Did you know it's your fault?_

──────

**I'm falling.**

Jihoon woke up, his heart beating fast, feeling sweat all over his body. And then he felt tears on his face.

For a moment, he had seen _him_.

 _He_ had been there.

Without any further thought, Jihoon got up from his bed and rushed to the small room he uses as his art studio.

Even half-awake, the clear image of Joshua from his dream was still ingrained in his mind.

He had been turned, so that Jihoon could only see his side profile. Joshua's lips had worn a frigid smile, that seemed mixed with sadness. Everything else had been the same about his familiar face, to the exception of a band-aid that taped flowers to his cheek. _Where had that come from?_ He didn’t think much of it.

So he painted. Even as tears streamed down his face, he painted.

By the time golden streaks of light entered the studio through the uncovered window, his wrist ached, but he didn't stop, not even to breathe for a second.

He wouldn’t let him leave, not this time.

When he reached the eyes, however, he hesitated. Joshua hadn’t even looked at him. No matter how much he tried to remember, tried to visualize the image from his dreams, it was useless.

There had been no light in Joshua’s eyes, and painful memories were beginning to creep into Jihoon’s mind.

As if he was in a trance, he took a paintbrush and started painting over the portrait.

When he was done, Joshua's face was covered with thick white strokes.

Looking at it, he felt a strange surge of panic, and was suddenly out of breath.

The room had been completely silent a few seconds before, but now his heartbeat echoed in it. It was loud, way too loud.

_I can’t breathe._

He collapsed on the floor, out of breath, and the paintbrush he had been clutching fell out of his hand.

The next day, a visiting friend found him sleeping on the cold floor of his studio, with dried tears on his face and scattered paintbrushes that had stained his arms and hands.

Jihoon later woke up in the hospital, and ate for the first time in three days.

The afternoon he was discharged, Jihoon discovered he couldn’t paint anymore.

──────

_I know every detail about you. Your smallest habits and the mannerisms you make when you talk._

_When you smile, your eyes gleam. You close them when you laugh, and hide your mouth with your hand._

_It was a beautiful sight I had always wanted to paint… I always thought I had my whole life to do it._

_Since I saw you nearly every day I thought that,_ _even if you weren’t with me, I could easily close my eyes and picture the traits of your face.  
_

_I never thought there would come a day where I would struggle to remember what you look like._

_I’m the worst friend in the world, aren’t I?_

_──────_

They had suggested Jihoon to write about his feelings. It was a hard situation he was in, and he’d never been one to talk about how he feels aloud, so they thought it would help. He usually expressed himself through his art, but it was now impossible for him to hold a paintbrush without breaking down.

**–** **_What should I write about?_ **

– _It can be anything. How you feel, things you want to say but don’t feel comfortable to… You can even write about him if you think it will help._

He hadn’t answered.

– _No one is going to read it but you. You can even get rid of it when you’re done. I promise you will feel better._

He would try, he'd said.

──────

_I feel terrible._

_I could talk about how bad I feel very easily._

_It feels like my heart has been ripped and I was given back the shreds._

_Everything hurts._

_What is trickier to talk about, however, is the source of all this pain._

_I know what it is, I know who it is, but saying his name is not enough. I can’t just blame him and call it a day. It’s much more complicated than that, and no one can understand._

_I don’t think I understand it myself._

──────

Joshua hadn’t been just his friend. He had been his other half, his soulmate, his everything. He had been the reason why Jihoon wanted to go out of the house. The reason why no matter how bad anything got, it wasn’t all too hard to deal with.

How had he repaid him, though? _Had_ he repaid him? Joshua deserved someone better, who would care for him the same way he did.

Despite everything Joshua had done for him, he hadn’t even tried to be that someone.

Jihoon had tried blaming Joshua at first, thinking he _couldn’t_ have been that person, no matter how hard he could have tried. That he couldn't have known.

But Joshua had been there for him throughout almost his whole life. Jihoon had never been alone thanks to him.

His life had been so colorful and vivid with meaning when he was with Joshua– no, _because he had met_ Joshua. But everything had turned hazy.

Now he was truly alone.

It was all too new, all too much, and it was unbearable.

Jihoon was beginning to think he deserved it.

– _Jihoon… You might consider telling us what happened that night. I know it’s hard, I know that you’re in pain. But when you feel ready, we’ll be here to listen._

Would they understand?

How could he even tell them what happened? Tell them how it's all his fault?

If not for him, Joshua would still be here after all.

──────

It had been a normal day. Jihoon went out to buy art supplies he needed and called Joshua, who was still at home, to see if he wanted him to get food.

The voice that answered him was Joshua indeed, but something was different about it.

It sounded weak, raspy and tired, which immediately made him worry. He had been out for what, an hour? What had happened? Was he sick?

The latter didn't answer any of the panicked questions he asked. Instead, he responded with a question of his own.

_"Hey Jihoon… do you love me?"_

He quickly parked his car in the nearest place he could find. "Shua? Is everything okay? I'll be there in a few minutes, just hang in there until then."

A heavy cough, then a voice that sounded on the verge of tears, _"Please, just answer me."_

"Of course I love you, Joshua. You mean the world to me. I really don't know what happened but–"

 _"Then why can't I stop coughing them up?"_ Joshua yelled, which startled him. In all the years he had known him, his best friend had never sounded so sad, angry, _desperate_.

Jihoon didn't know what to do. Feeling confused, he just told him to wait for him until he got there. He tried to force his hands to steady a bit and stop shaking. He could barely focus while driving, fearing the worst when he arrived home. Thousands of questions clouded his mind and he felt tears threatening to spill.

He ran up the stairs and threw the door open. "Joshua, I'm here!"

He heard a loud cough coming from the latter's bedroom.

And he found him there, lying on the floor, surrounded by… flowers.

"What's wrong, are you coughing blood? Do I call an ambulance?"

Joshua turned to face him, but his gaze didn't reach Jihoon's eyes. He was breathing heavily and his eyes were full of tears. He tried reaching for the fallen petals, as if he wanted to hide them, but didn't. Jihoon could see his hands trembling.

Jihoon wasted no second and crouched down to hold him.

"H-hanahaki. It's the Hanahaki disease."

It had taken him a few seconds to process his answer.

Hanahaki disease reaches people who suffer from extreme one-sided love. It requires someone to be very deeply in love with the other, so it is extremely rare. _No medical cure._

"How long?"

"A few weeks now." Joshua replied weakly.

"Who… Who is it?" he asked, to which Joshua widened his eyes, and let tears stream down his face once again. Jihoon's heart broke at this sight, but managed to keep a comforting tone as he whispered, "You're gonna be okay, Shua. I promise."

He didn't press for an answer. With shaking hands, he dialed the number to call an ambulance. He talked to the operator on the phone as he helped Joshua sit up, straightening his back and rubbing it slowly.

He heard Joshua say a word– a simple syllable, and that was enough for him to drop the phone from his hand.

_You_.

"J-Joshua… what do you mean…?" It took him a moment to understand what the other meant. "Oh, God. I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault." Each word seemed painful for him to get out, and with each word, Jihoon's heart seemed to sink lower.

"It is. I should have– I could have… I could have prevented this."

"You couldn't have. You didn't know… It's my fault for falling in love with you."

 _And it's my fault for not_ –

Jihoon hadn't known what to say.

He was simply terrified. Joshua had started coughing again and he could now see them clearly despite the tears pooling up in his eyes.

_California poppies._

He had seen poppies before, but never as beautiful as the ones they had spotted when he visited Joshua's hometown for the first time. Among the bed of the beautiful golden flowers they had come across, there had been a singular red one, which had peaked Jihoon's curiosity.

When Jihoon held his first exhibition, Joshua had brought him a bouquet of them as a gift. God knows where he had found those in South Korea.

Poppies were often associated with death. But they also symbolized sleep and peace. Jihoon had loved them regardless.

And now…

_No._ Joshua would get through it. _They_ would, together. They loved each other, even if they did in different ways, and they could get through it.

Help would come soon, and they would treat him.

"It's going to be okay," he repeated as Joshua coughed up these hideous poppies. "Everything will be alright, because I'm here with you now."

"I-I'm sorry it couldn’t be in the same way but I do love you, Shua… You mean everything to me," Jihoon continued, trying not to choke on his own sobs.

That sentence seemed to trigger even more coughing from his best friend. He didn't know what to do. Joshua wasn't even answering him anymore.

Jihoon hugged him as he cried more. They stayed like that for a while, who knows how long, with Joshua's body burning up in his arms with an abnormal fever.

He opened his eyes for a split second, and saw a dark liquid drip on the floor following Joshua's coughs, and he looked behind him to see drops of blood, that seemed to horrifyingly match the shade of the damn petals.

In the same moment, he heard the ambulance arrive and a few people come up to the unlocked apartment to get to them.

As they took Joshua from him, Jihoon could only stare at the blood-stained petals on the floor.

He stood up weakly, legs shaking, and followed them as fast as he could. He rode the ambulance with them, never letting go of the other's hand, trying his best to think about anything else than the loud coughs resonating in the vehicule.

By the time they had arrived to the hospital, Joshua had passed out.

Just a minute before that, he had whispered, "I love you, Jihoon."

Jihoon cried while he was unconscious. He cried when he was asked to stay in the waiting room, his hand burning where he had held his best friend's in his. He cried until there were no more tears left in his body.

No more tears indeed. Even during Joshua's funeral a few days later, he had just stared at the ground.

He couldn't produce any sound, as if something was wrong with his voice. It hurt to look at anyone, so he didn't.

Jihoon had never felt so empty, deprived of all his senses and feelings.

After that day, he had locked himself up in his studio. Painted anything that came to his mind, he'd hoped it would distract him from the pain.

He had avoided his phone at all costs during that time, and even considered breaking it a few times. His phone had the date and time that he didn't want to look at; it had hundreds of missed calls from people trying to speak to him. And more than anything, it had too many memories.

From his lock screen to his notes, his pictures on social medias, his messages, even the voice recordings… Joshua was everywhere.

He'd even considered moving apartments, so he wouldn't have to look at the empty room in front of his; so he wouldn't feel Joshua's presence everywhere. Instead, he opted to staying in his studio day and night for a while.

The latter had rarely come in there because he didn’t want to distract Jihoon while he was working.

Jihoon found himself devastated that he hadn't let him come in more. There had been so many things he should have showed him here, so many things he wanted to talk to him about.

_I was selfish from beginning to end, wasn't I?_

It almost seemed funny to him. How did Joshua love somebody like him? Jihoon barely deserved a friend like him, let alone a lover.

Even when in pain, he had remained the best friend anyone could have asked for. And somehow, he had settled for a pitiful workaholic man who had taken him for granted, and couldn't even love him like he should have.

Jihoon wished Joshua was more selfish like him… maybe he would still be here now.

_Maybe it should have been me_.

Jihoon cursed that damned disease. He cursed the poppies. He cursed Joshua for falling in love with him. He cursed himself for cursing anything and anyone but himself in the first place. He knew he was the real culprit.

It was all his fault.

──────

_How can I call myself your best friend if all I have left of you in my mind is blurry images and bloody memories?_

_I think about your laugh sometimes. I would do anything to hear your laugh again._

_Every time I try to remember it, it becomes a distorted cry instead. All I can hear is you sobbing and coughing in my arms._

_I call you my best friend, my soulmate, and yet, I caused you so much pain._

_If I loved you so much like I keep saying, why couldn't you stop coughing up those flowers?_

──────

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! i hope you enjoyed this<3  
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/levoyagedanslalune)
> 
> this is my first time posting anything on ao3, ever (and the process was absolutely nerve-wracking)
> 
> ever since fallin' flower was released, i've been obsessively reading analyses & theories about the mv, especially related to woozi's scene, which i personally felt drawn to  
> a lot of people linked woozi's and joshua's scenes together and i somehow came up with this story idea. it only took me what, 8 months, to gather the courage to write & post this?  
> but i did it! please let me know what you think & constructive criticism is much appreciated<3
> 
> linked here are a few tweets (of the many) that got me to write this: [1](https://twitter.com/shuailormoon/status/1242271349969584128) [2](https://twitter.com/shuailormoon/status/1242276883749728258) [3](https://twitter.com/wonhanluv/status/1242563607193214976)
> 
> and here are some lines from the actual song that also inspired me! i even included some of them in my writing, so full credits go to the talented Woozi, Dino and Bumzu, as well as HARU.ROBINSON who all wrote this beautiful song  
> (and thank you to [seventeenlyrics](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iyE8WNxr_sU) on youtube because i used their translation for the song)
> 
> ❀ nobody reaches their hand towards the fluttering falling petals  
> ❀ i want to be someone's everything  
> ❀ a frigid smile that seems mixed with sadness  
> ❀ i'd lived just for the moment / but I knew that everything had a meaning once I met you  
> ❀ the future that once seemed hazy turns vivid because I met you  
> ❀ that's why I won't take you for granted / because you love somebody like me


End file.
